Being Independent......

So today started out pretty great. I woke up early, was feeling great and then I realized I had an email from my bank, which only happens if my account is lower than $25. So I'm thinking to myself it cannot be that because we have $50 to last us till next Wednesday [when I get paid at work]. So sure enough I open my email, and it says my account is negative $162. Why is that? Because my stupid car insurance autodrafted my account even though I had called to cancel it from happening. So im panicked and already on the phone with these stupid insurance people and go figure their response is " it takes X amount of days to take effect" I argue that I was never notified and did they care? of course not. Anyways long story short they told me I was SOL. 

After crying for about 5 minutes [I know it never helps, but I'm a severely emotional person] I start to think of what I could possibly do to fix things. I HATE asking for help. and id wanted to ask my boyfriend of nearly 5 yrs but I already owe him and I know he barely has anything left. So next I begin to go thru my room and think of things to pawn, only to come to the realization that I have absolutely nothing on financial value. Most of my jewelry is fake, I don't have fancy things because they've never really mattered. All day I think of what I could do to possibly get the  money and come up with nothing. I am incredibly stressed at this point and just trying to take deep breaths telling myself that we [my younger sister and I] will be fine. We've been through far worse, we can do this. 

Later during the day my older sister [who was a very close childhood friend throughout my life, therefore she is considered my sister] texts me asking me whats wrong and I tell her everything. And just like that she offers to help. Mind you I am at work when she texts me so when I see that, I start to cry. I just felt so relieved and not only that but like this weight was lifted off my shoulders, I could breathe. 

Im not a proud person. Never have been, its never been about my pride. I ts just that my mother always counted on other people to not only do things for her but fix her messes. To this day, one of our family friends pays her light bill every month. I NEVER want to be that person, I dont ever want to only call people when I need something. I got myself into it and I'll damn sure get myself out of it. But sometimes you need help, and how can you get help when you dont ask. Im not one to quote scripture often but: "he who asks shall receive". I spoke to a close friend of mine and he tells me asking for help does not mean you failed. It means your human. 

I thank God that I do have people who have my back. I thank God for the life I live, it may be filled with struggles and sometimes I just want to give up. but what does not kill you can only make you stronger. 

Irreparably Damaged.

Dear Mom,

I play back everything in my head over and over to try and figure out what went wrong? Looking back on what used to be breaks my heart. I remember the woman and mother you used to be. You were my everything, I would've given my life for you in a heartbeat. You were my role model, I wanted to be the strong woman were. You raised 2 kids on your own and we had a life filled with so much happiness, we never missed out on anything, we had everything we could've ever wanted. and now look at whats become of us.When I was in high school, i NEVER got into any trouble cuz i couldn't imagine ever disappointing you, all I ever wanted was to make you proud. Taking a yr off from college? I knew it was best and it had to be done and that was okay with me but that was 3 years ago. and whats changed? absolutely nothing. you still choose ur pills over us? what did we ever do for this to happen. I ask myself when will it end. I have done everything I can to try to help you. It has been you who has broken my heart over and over to the point where u do it all the time. Once again i just picked u up off the floor, even though i really just wanted to leave u there. You have us to live for but how is that not enough to make you want to change? I feel so irreparably damaged, like no glue will ever hold me together because it is you that has shattered my spirit.